Things I Should Go to Therapy For: Chapter One
My partner (Dane!) and I recently had our three year anniversary. He gave me a gift that was very far away from our discussed budget and also the most wonderful and exciting surprise. It was something I was waiting to get myself for a special occasion. I could not believe he got it for me.
Now that should be the end. I can’t believe he got it for me, I’m so lucky! But those were not the feelings I was having. When I saw it in front of me my heart sank. For a few reasons.
My first thought was guilt. Guilt guilt guilt and shame. Disgust with myself, fear that I was in trouble. Instant regret and feeling like I needed to say sorry. I can’t believe I expect something like this from him- how terrible of a person am I? Oh my god what have I done? I shouldn’t have asked for this. These were the thoughts in my head immediately. I did not ask for this gift. I did not expect it at all. He has also never given me a gift and rubbed it in my face later. But my stomach tightened. I told myself be happy be happy, this is exciting, this is a great gift? But my stomach told me I am so guilty. For what? I do not know. I think I am a bad person no matter what the situation. I think I am always messing everything up, doing something wrong (thanks, church! and my father).
The second feeling is distrust (thanks again, dad!). I wondered, why did he really get this for me? Surely it can’t really be because he wanted to make me happy. Because he loves me and wanted to. He must have done something. Oh my god, do you think he’s cheating? He would never cheat- and I don’t believe that about any other man. But why else would he get me this grand gift? He’s going to tell me something awful. It’s not really my gift. It’s a joke. It’s not really mine. I genuinely stared at the gift and thought, it’s like in a dream where you just enjoy it and you let yourself think it’s real! It will be great! It took me about an hour to realize it was mine. It was for me, for our anniversary, and it was mine to keep. For some reason, my brain doesn’t compute that I deserve good things or am good enough to treat well (thanks patriarchy, church, and dad again!). I believe this was a survival instinct of girlhood; don’t expect anything to stay. Don’t expect anything to have good intentions. Don’t be naive. You’re going to get hurt. Don’t trust a man, you’re going to look stupid! (TBF, boys used to ask girls out as a joke so they could laugh about her humiliation after, so I completely understand where the fear comes from, but Dane and I are not in middle school anymore.)
Also, I will say, I gave Dane a wonderful reaction. A more healed part of me accepted the gift. I felt genuinely excited and truly surprised! That part of me ran the performance while my mind raced behind the curtains. I screamed and beamed and both parts of me asked, “Is this real?!” I am so grateful and privileged to receive such a wonderful present and love. But there is always a quiet voice saying it’s not real.
Even today, a day later, it sits in the box next to me. I feel the deep ache in your chest when you know you’re running out of time. My heart hurts as if a timer is counting down. I don’t want to lose it!
I’m still trying to tell myself, I can keep the good things, too.