I have always wished I was different. I’ve had my fair share of wanting to be –er. Skinnier, funnier, smarter, prettier, stronger, faster, cooler, sexier, hotter, taller, tanner. I wanted to be better at times. Always in comparison to other women. Never too different from them, though.
I wanted to fit in and stand out. This is an impossible feat. I have learned you just need to exist. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing -er.
First, I recognized that I was conditioned as a woman to compete with other women. We are pit against each other in shows, movies, careers, friendships, classrooms, relationships, social media, and music. Basically in every element of media, we are pinned against each other. We are forced to compare everything. Skin, hair, eyes, lips, breasts, hips, height, weight, clothes, boyfriends, experience, desirability. We shrink ourselves into measuring cups and beg to be used. We try to convince others, especially men, that we are the perfect size. This is not only unkind, but extremely unfair.
However, above all, it is hardly escapable. Society places great value on our appearance and the patriarchy benefits greatly from our competitive nature against our own sisters and daughters. It’s like a King making peasants live so unhappily they fight one another instead of revolting the system. Though I do not see women as peasants, we surely are not the one with systematic power.
Once I recognized this tool of the patriarchy – distract us by making us hate one another – I learned how to fight it. I challenged myself by being kind. When I would see a woman I thought was better than me, I told her. I did not say, I think you’re better than me. I complimented what I liked about her. I said “I love your hair, it’s so long and healthy!” “Your skin is so clear, it’s amazing!” “I love your outfit, it’s so cool and looks so good on you!” One by one I transformed my jealousy into inspiration.
I thought I wanted to be different. This is not completely untrue. But I do not want to be different from other women. Other women are exactly how I became as unique, and interesting, and me, as I am. I am cool because I have taken what I liked from the women before or around me. I even have my physical features from the women before me – and the men that those women have loved (in one way or another).
I am a woman because I choose to see myself in women around me. I would not be who I am if I were different from everyone. I am only different when I am me.
It’s exciting to be different than what you had in your head. It’s exciting to express what you like because YOU like it. To be kind outside of your comfort zone. To compliment strangers. To let go of yourself. There really is no self. There is no difference. There is just you, and what you like.
I thought, if I want to be different. Let it be this way. Let this be how I’m different. Because I would reach out to a stranger and tell them all the ways I would love to be them. That is what makes me, me.