I have just realized that antidepressants actually work. It’s been two months of popping pills, and up until today I didn’t think they were working. I’m not an anti-meds person, but I’m no placebo-effect girl either.
Today I had a revolutionary thought: I’m allowed to be happy. I was talking to Dane on speaker phone as I was driving home from work. I told him of this discovery. He laughed. I realized this was not a ground breaking perspective. Once I said it, I realized that. “I don’t have to prepare for the worst case scenario for everything”, I had said.
“No, you don’t” was his reply.
I then went on to over-explain a very simple statement.
“I can enjoy my life. Like I might actually be completely fine at my job, and maybe even really good at it. I think I’ve always truly thought everything in my life was on the brink of disaster. Like, I think I am just now realizing that I get to live in our house.”
“What?”
“Like obviously I know that I live there but I think I’ve been waiting for something to happen or someone to say, nope you can’t live there.”
“Or like, I just realized maybe you’re not cheating on me.”
“Maybe??”
“-Or going to. I might actually just have a great boyfriend and there’s no catch. Like I just get to feel love and be loved. And I’m safe. Like there’s no trick.”
“No Natalie, there’s no trick.”
“Wow. Is this what life is like? Like do your days just feel like this?”
“Kinda, yeah. I guess.”
“Wow.“